Random Thoughts...

ON DEPRESSION…
I don’t know I have been depressed these past weeks… Maybe it’s just because I’m bored to death because I don’t have anything to do. There are a couple of good shows on TV but I don’t want to watch TV the whole day. Playing computer games is a waste of time. I try to be more productive by trying to write a short story or something but I don’t finish it because I’m not in the mood (I usually write when I’m depressed, this is when all my creative juice flows out). I want to sing but I don’t want the people in the house to hear and I’m just too lazy to open my books and study (hey I have to familiarize my self with human biology because this is my future career). What is wrong with me? I can’t wait for summer classes! I’d rather study than stay at home and rot. Well it is good to be able to be at home and rest but I want to do something worthwhile, something that gives meaning to my life.

ON LOVE…
Anyway, I hate my self for not being able to get over someone. Well I did took the risk of blurting out my feelings but I accept what happened but I can’t seem to move on. I’m still obsessed over this person. Like what is wrong with me?! My brain has totally failed me. But I have to move on… I just have to. I just hate being in love. It totally sucks if the one you love doesn’t even care that you existed. But I wonder when I will meet the one for me? But all I care about right now is to forget this person and just move on with my beloved nerdy life!

ON SELF DEVELOPMENT…
Thank God at least my whole summer wasn’t a waste of time. I did get to attend this great Leadership Awareness Workshop of the KKP-SIP (Kristohanong Katilingban sa Pagpakabana – Social Involvement Program) and I did get to see my self and it made my big head bigger. I am a good leader and people see that except that I sometime am sick and tired of always being held responsible for everything. Sure I love being the leader but I need the full support of everyone too.

I’M SCARED…
I suddenly am gripped with the realization that my future is so uncertain. I still look down at my self and my capabilities. But most of all, I am scared that I will grow all alone. But I have to be optimistic right? I am scared but I will face the future with hope and courage.

An Update on my Life

Today is Friday, March 10, 2006. I don’t have any exams for today yippee! I have all the time in the world to sleep and just laze around. Yeah right! I still have a term paper in history to finish and I have to study for chemistry!!! But I know that I can handle this! Hehehe… So far I did have enough sleep, I slept like a rock last night. I am now fully energized. I’m just blogging to warm up my brain for the stress and strain it will experience once I open my research files for my term paper entitled: “Uncovering the Truth Behind the Marcos Millions”. My exams were amazingly easy but I just don’t know how I faired but I’m confident that I passed, but I don’t just want to have an average or an above average mark but I do deserve my grade because I admit that I haven’t been giving my best lately. But this summer, I aim to get straight A’s. Imagine three subjects everyday! I can really give out my best in this situation!!! I’m already so excited! So far life has been good. I’m happy… but for how long? But I would rather study than laze around already hehehe… I’m excited for 2nd year because I’ve heard that it wouldn’t be AHSE-II (Associate in Health Science) any longer but directly BSN-2 (BS in Nursing)!!! I would really strive hard for my major subjects that are related to my career than the less important subjects like Filipino and PE that I believe have no relation to my career at all. But I would still have to do well in them though or I loose my scholarship buhuhu… Any way I guess I have nothing else to say.

Brokeback Mountain - Reaction Paper

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE CORRECTIONS: Del Mar instead of Keith (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist instead of Jake (Jake Gyllenhaal)….
This movie is really great and it deserves the 7 Golden Globe Awards! It’s typically about two males falling for each other. And for those who are wondering, NO! This movie is not a sex-flick or something. This movie has great intellectual content and must be approached with logic. Brokeback Mountain is the place where our two lead characters, Jack and Keith, meet and work together as sheepherders or shepherds. This is where the forces of nature take over them both. They start to fall for each other and boom they have sex. The situation was also conducive for the act to occur because it was cold in the mountains and they only have a tent and a few blankets to warm them. They had to huddle close together to share precious body heat. I don’t know if any of them was gay or bisexual. In my understanding a gay is someone who is only attracted to the same sex and even wishes to become a female and that they don’t have any interest in females. Bisexuals on the other hand or the “double-blades” can be attracted to both male and female. But as the story progresses, we find out that our characters get married. But I can say that Jake is the one who is more prone to be the gay or more female partner because he was the one who started everything. Jake seduced Keith and was even the one who wants to really start a relationship with Keith. Keith on the other hand is very reserved or more appropriately described as discreet because he also loves Jake as shown by his great excitement when after 4 years they have parted ways he heard from Jake. Keith even cried and even broke down when he and Jake parted ways. It was the year 1969 and homosexual love was after all not yet accepted by society and the guilty parties of breaking the mores of society are killed or dehumanized by many hate crimes.
But even if they were both gay, or if Jake was the only one who was gay, we cannot help but think why this strange happening could happen. What causes one to be gay or bisexual? As I’ve learned in my psychology class, homosexuality and it’s derivatives (eg bisexuality) is caused by heredity and/or the environment. But I believe that it is both nature and nurture that causes this. And it is not considered as a disorder or as abnormal by psychologists and sociologists because it has already become a natural occurring phenomenon and homosexuality could be traced even way before and some great men are homosexuals like Napoleon Bonaparte.
Please also take note that it is a scientific proven fact that love is not exclusive to the heterosexual. I am not saying this because I am a supporter of the homosexuals and neither am I their persecutor. I’m just writing this as a sort of reaction/reflection paper for the great movie that I am proud to have watched.
But I must say that I condemn those people who are disrespectful to the homosexuals or those who persecute them. We must be compassionate and understanding that some of them did not wish to be homosexual but as I said their nurturing and environment formed them to who they are right now. And I believe that being straight or being a heterosexual does not make us superior to the homosexuals. I really hate it when some people especially the uneducated males who often harass homosexuals and treat them as if they are lower beings as compared to them. I believe that there is no scale for measuring the worth of the person because every person has worth but in this case I could say that the uneducated prejudiced males and even some females are lesser beings if they don’t use their logic or if they aren’t compassionate because I believe that intelligence and emotions are the two things that sets us apart from the common beasts of the earth.

I Wish I Could Quit You
“I wish I could quit you,” said Jake when he and Keith were fighting at Brokeback Mountain. They were both unhappy with the way things are happening because Jake wants to settle down with Keith but Keith is unable to decide what he wants in life, Jake or the “normal” life with a woman as a partner. But we can say that Jake and Keith do love each other. What they have is not just a sexual fling or just a way to receive sexual pleasure because if that is what they both are after they can get that anytime they wanted to. Jake with all his money could just drive down to Mexico and buy himself a prostitute while Keith could sleep with any woman he wanted. But this is not the case because the relationship that they both have goes beyond mere companionship or call of the flesh. They both loved each other.
It really struck me when Jake said the lines, “I wish I could quit you…” because by experience I also have felt this. This line is not for the homosexual love alone, in fact there is no difference between homosexual love and heterosexual love. The only difference is that having a homosexual type of relationship would literally mean “you and me against the world” because society is against this (well the close-minded people at least). If you really love someone it is hard to just forget that person even if you are already being crushed. But I’d write about this in another topic. Let’s go back to Keith and Jake.

A Happy Life
I believed that if Keith only followed his heart then he would have lived a happy life with Jake and he wouldn’t be living all alone right now. And Jake wouldn’t have met an accident if he didn’t keep on drinking to forget Keith. I know that I am committing the fallacy “hypothesis contrary to fact” but this is what I believe would be the outcome of they only followed their hearts.
Maybe the lesson that the movie is trying to convey is that one, love is not for the heterosexual alone. Second, we must follow our hearts because we might just regret our foolish mistake of leaving the one we really love.

Synopsis - Brokeback Mountain

From Academy Award-winning filmmaker Ang Lee comes an epic American love story, Brokeback Mountain, the winner of the Golden Lion Award for Best Picture at this year's Venice International Film Festival. The film is based on the short story by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Annie Proulx and adapted for the screen by the team of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana. Set against the sweeping vistas of Wyoming and Texas, the film tells the story of two young men -- a ranch-hand and a rodeo cowboy -- who meet in the summer of 1963, and unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys, and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.
Early one morning in Signal, Wyoming, Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) meet while lining up for employment with local rancher Joe Aguirre (Randy Quaid). The world which Ennis and Jack have been born into is at once changing rapidly and yet scarcely evolving. Both young men seem certain of their set places in the heartland – obtaining steady work, marrying, and raising a family – and yet hunger for something beyond what they can articulate. When Aguirre dispatches them to work as sheepherders up on the majestic Brokeback Mountain, they gravitate towards camaraderie and then a deeper intimacy.
At summer's end, the two must come down from Brokeback and part ways. Remaining in Wyoming, Ennis weds his sweetheart Alma (Michelle Williams), with whom he will have two daughters as he ekes out a living. Jack, in Texas, catches the eye of rodeo queen Lureen Newsome (Anne Hathaway). Their courtship and marriage result in a son, as well as jobs in her father's business.
Four years pass. One day, Alma brings Ennis a postcard from Jack, who is en route to visit Wyoming. Ennis waits expectantly for his friend, and when Jack at last arrives, in just one moment it is clear that the passage of time has only strengthened the men's attachment. In the years that follow, Ennis and Jack struggle to keep their secret bond alive. They meet up several times annually. Even when they are apart, they face the eternal questions of fidelity, commitment, and trust. Ultimately, the one constant in their lives is a force of nature – love.
A Focus Features and River Road Entertainment Presentation. An Ang Lee Film. Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal. Brokeback Mountain. Linda Cardellini, Anna Faris, Anne Hathaway, Michelle Williams, and Randy Quaid. Casting, Avy Kaufman, C.S.A. Costume Design, Marit Allen. Music Supervision, Kathy Nelson. Music by Gustavo Santaolalla. Edited by Geraldine Peroni, Dylan Tichenor, A.C.E. Production Designer, Judy Becker. Director of Photography, Rodrigo Prieto, A.S.C., A.M.C. Co-Producer, Scott Ferguson. Executive Producer, Alberta Film Entertainment. Executive Producers, William Pohlad, Larry McMurtry, Michael Costigan, Michael Hausman. Producers, Diana Ossana, James Schamus. Based on the short story by Annie Proulx. Screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana. Directed by Ang Lee. A Focus Features Release.

GOD'S JUSTICE VINDICATED

GOD'S JUSTICE VINDICATED
Among the many and various teachings dispensed by Elijah to his friends, there are none so important as his theodicy, the teachings vindicating God's justice in the administration of earthly affairs. He used many an opportunity to demonstrate it by precept and example. Once he granted his friend Rabbi Joshua ben Levi the fulfillment of any wish he might express, and all the Rabbi asked for was, that he might be permitted to accompany Elijah on his wanderings through the world. Elijah was prepared to gratify this wish. He only imposed the condition, that, however odd the Rabbi might think Elijah's actions, he was not to ask any explanation of them. If ever he demanded why, they would have to part company. So Elijah and the Rabbi fared forth together, and they journeyed on until they reached the house of a poor man, whose only earthly possession was a cow. The man and his wife were thoroughly good-hearted people, and they received the two wanderers with a cordial welcome. They invited the strangers into their house, set before them food and drink of the best they had, and made up a comfortable couch for them for the night. When Elijah and the Rabbi were ready to continue their journey on the following day, Elijah prayed that the cow belonging to his host might die. Before they left the house, the animal had expired. Rabbi Joshua was so shocked by the misfortune that had befallen the good people, he almost lost consciousness. He thought: "Is that to be the poor man's reward for all his kind services to us?" And he could not refrain from putting the question to Elijah. But Elijah reminded him of the condition imposed and accepted at the beginning of their journey, and they traveled on, the Rabbi's curiosity unappeased. That night they reached the house of a wealthy man, who did not pay his guest the courtesy of looking them in the face. Though they passed the night under his roof, he did not offer them food or drink. This rich man was desirous of having a wall repaired that had tumbled down. There was no need for him to take any steps to have it rebuilt, for, when Elijah left the house, he prayed that the wall might erect itself, and, lo! It stood upright. Rabbi Joshua was greatly amazed, but true to his promise he suppressed the question that rose to his lips. So the two traveled on again, until they reached an ornate synagogue, the seats in which were made of silver and gold. But the worshippers did not correspond in character to the magnificence of the building, for when it came to the point of satisfying the needs of the way-worn pilgrims, one of those present said: "There is not dearth of water and bread, and the strange travelers can stay in the synagogue, whither these refreshments can be brought to them." Early the next morning, when they were departing, Elijah wished those present in the synagogue in which they had lodged, that God might raise them all to be "heads." Rabbi Joshua again had to exercise great self-restraint, and not put into words the question that troubled him profoundly. In the next town, they were received with great affability, and served abundantly with all their tired bodies craved. On these kind hosts Elijah, on leaving, bestowed the wish that God might give them but a single head. Now the Rabbi could not hold himself in check any longer, and he demanded an explanation of Elijah's freakish actions. Elijah consented to clear up his conduct for Joshua before they separated from each other. He spoke as follows: "The poor man's cow was killed, because I knew that on the same day the death of his wife had been ordained in heaven, and I prayed to God to accept the loss of the poor man's property as a substitute for the poor man's wife. As for the rich man, there was a treasure hidden under the dilapidated wall, and, if he had rebuilt it, he would have found the gold; hence I set up the wall miraculously in order to deprive the curmudgeon of the valuable find. I wished that the inhospitable people assembled in the synagogue might have many heads, for a place of numerous leaders is bound to be ruined by reason of multiplicity of counsel and disputes. To the inhabitants of our last sojourning place, on the other hand, I wished a 'single head,' for the one to guide a town; success will attend all its undertakings. Know, then, that if thou sees an evil-doer prosper, it is not always unto his advantage, and if a righteous man suffers need and distress, think not God is unjust." After these words Elijah and Rabbi Joshua separated from each other, and each went his own way.

Waiting For Someone

WAITING FOR SOMEONE
“I’m just waiting for someone to come along and make me happy"
Mary is depressed and lonely. She feels her life is a mess. She tells herself, "If I can just find some people to like me I'll be happy."
WRONG!
When your life is a mess, happy and stable people tend to avoid you. They look for those who are basically happy and stable. While Mary is miserable and depressed, she'll only attract people who have big problems. They they’ll have twice the misery.
The same applies to waiting for lovers. We have to sort ourselves out first. If I say to you "Love me enough, and I'm sure I'll stop trying to kill myself'< that’s bound to put a strain on the relationship.
Other people can help to make us happier, but we need to be in control of our life first. When we wait for people to 'arrive' and fix everything we're courting disappointment. If they don’t arrive, we get more depressed
If they do arrive, but they don’t behave, as we want, then we get really depressed! Then we blame them and say, "you're supposed to make me happy!"
People who enjoy fulfilling, stable relationships are balanced people. They don't go looking for someone else to 'fill a hole'
They recognize their own value. In songs and movies people say, "I was NOBODY 'till I met," but in real life, that’s an unhealthy situation. You have to be SOMEBODY first. It’s no good being someone’s "other half" - you’re a whole person.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
Lets learn from Mary. She is lonely, depressed, and feels left out. She doesn’t understand why people exclude her from their plans.
She may have overlooked the fact that she’s always waiting for other people to call her up, make a move, make a date, and coax her into joining them. People get tired of coaxing you into things. They want enthusiasm.
You have to make it known that you’re ready to participate in life. The first step in making friends is a willingness to get out and meet people. You don’t meet many fascinating individuals walking between your TV and your computer.
Mary can become an initiator, and get on the phone and call up some people. "Hi, John! You may not remember me but I live across the street. Would you like to go out for a pizza?” Hi BRYLE (here) Imp thinking of doing some cycling, studying, or hang gliding this weekend. Will you join me?
The world is full of people who have conquered shyness (or arrogance or pride) and have opened up new horizons. If you plan to make some changes and some new friends, be prepared for the occasional knock back or declined invitation. Continue to make the effort and you’ll be rewarded.
To avoid disappointment, form friendships without expecting anything in return. Do things for others without demands, and you’ll never be disappointed. Some people will return favors and affection, and some wont. If you care for people because you want to, and not because you expect something back, you wont feel crushed should they fail to return a thought or favor?
The universe is essentially fair and just. If you are giving out care and affection, good things will come back to you, though not necessarily when or from where you expect.

The Johari Window

The Johari Window is used to let you know and people know who you really are in the perspective of other people and your own perspective. I have been answering or rather I have been describing people so I guess it's my time to be evaluated to know who I really am in the eyes of my friends and maybe soon to be friends (depends on your description for me, hehehe joke). Just be honest... I won't get mad hehehe.... Please follow this link....

http://kevan.org/johari?name=vincentb88

I'm A Reformed (well at least partly) Person!!!

I am really happy that at last I am a reformed person (well at least partly). I have learned to let go of things that have been making my heart ache. I realized that the life that I have been living is not very fulfilling and that I could live a better life. I have stopped blaming my self for everything. I have moved on with my life and that I am very happy with my decision. If people can't understand me and can't accept me for weho I am then it is their problem and not mine. I am a good person and I have a bright future ahead of me. I am a good person, yes I am... Only if people can see the real me... But I won't let anyone hold my happiness any longer... I am the weilder of my life and I chose to be happy. But I don't blame the person I love for not being the person I imagined or wanted that person to be. The guilty party here is myself for I thought that I could find love but I failed to realize that there is a time and place for everything. I let go of all my problems and heart ache. I am happy now. I won't talk or linger on about this topic any longer. I will be happy....

Favorite Song

A MOMENT LIKE THIS (Kelly Clarkson)

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I Make My Life

Never allow anyone to hold your happiness... This statement keeps on hitting me on the face but I always fail to notice it. Come on! I give up! I won't let love ruin my life! Like I'm smart, I do have looks, and I have a bright future ahead of me! Why enslave my self over someone who does not even care that I exist. Ok! I always search for happiness that I already have but I just keep on taking it for granted. Like come on! Why do I make a problem out of nothing right? Well I'm just hurt so bad and I don't understand why. Why do I have to meet the person who I thought would spend with me my love and life and in the end just disappear all of a sudden. Fine! It was a fling but sana naman I was warned and told that it was all over. Like I still have communication naman sa kanya but maybe its my fault for always assuming. Me and my assumptions!!! But its not my ex-love's fault. It's my fault. Stupid heart!!! But I survived with out this person in my life... so I'll still live. I'll even be happier!

Today is hell... I have to study for Philosophy, Politicaql Science, Religious Studies, and I have to do a stupid Filipino homework! Hay naku! Stress!!! But instead of making me go crazy, I'll use this stress to drice me more into being productive!